A Bit of a Stretch: The Diaries of a Prisoner
Written and Narrated By: Chris Atkins
Length: 9 hrs and 31 mins
Yes, it’s The Chris Show—but gosh is the tragedy funny, or what? And don’t we owe our fellow human beings more…?
Nope, this ain’t no Angola Farm, but it turns out that the British prison system is pretty danged as messed up as the prison system in the United States. I couldn’t help but compare the two, our own system with its mass incarceration of mostly men and women of color and Chris, who is verrrrry white and can be considered privileged, who is doing time for fraud (Kinda sorta shimmied into a dodgy way to finance his latest film). Even Chris himself will tell you: He rather gravitated towards the white-collar crime guys Inside, feeling them less likely to be nuts or violent.
Chris is sentenced to five years in this questionable scheme, and immediately he begins keeping a bit of a diary. He uses whatever bits of paper he can find, and lord knows, he has the time to jot down his thoughts, his many experiences, the many people he meets Inside.
Turns out? It’s as easy to get drugs Inside as it is Out in the World. As a matter of fact, it’s easier to get illicit drugs than it is to get paracetamol (Acetaminophen). If you’re ill Inside, you are soooo out of luck. Chris watches as a mate develops septic bursitis and sees the man’s joints swell up until he nearly dies. Most of the problem comes from vast understaffing; There’s simply nobody to take an inmate to a Dr’s appointment.
But a lot of it is simply a lack of compassion and empathy. The guards are overworked, see the worst, are paid very little, and quite frankly, they just don’t give a flying hoot. And Chris, being the skilled creator of fairly well-received (Not to mention delightfully controversial!) films, is a skilled chronicler of all things icky. Ahhhh, if only they all knew that someone was taking notes, would they have done any better? As time goes on, there are televised exposés of people who’ve sneaked in cameras and recorders, documenting the crimes, the drugs, the mistreatment. Chris and his fellow inmates then have ringside seats as the Powers That Be vow to do better, vow to reform.
All of which, we see, is just so much blather. The governor of the hideous HMP Wandsworth, where Chris has taken up very much enforced residence, touts his own prison as one of the Reformed ones. But, nothing changes, and life is pretty much a nightmare for all involved, where mental illness and inmates who self-harm are left to stew in their own unfortunate despair (Which leads to MUCH bloodshed and even suicide as calls for help go unheeded).
As a way to get out of his cell (Inmates are in 23 hours of the day… or 24 if there’s nobody to attend to them and supervise yard time), Chris does all that he can, especially signing on to be a Listener, an inmate who receives training to be called during emergencies. But this is a high burnout position where it’s easy to absorb the stress and distress of the inmates who need to vent or are in dire need of comfort. Chris doesn’t want to be a burnout case, but he’s astounded at the amount of mentally ill inmates who receive no treatment; worse, they’re often deemed troublesome and receive extra (And cruel) punishments which only make them sicker and more unstable.
Add to that, the basic and widespread lack of privacy, the lack of human dignity afforded to the inmates, the lack of hope that anything’ll get better, and this sounds like a heavy book, right?
Turns out, it’s not. This is one danged hiLARious tale. I credit it to Atkins narrating this himself, the way he conveys the voices of the individuals he had run-ins with, the people who became friends, the guards he had to watch out for. I dunno, but I’m guessing he sat on his bunk and perfected his tones and accents until he got them all juuuuuust right. And the man is a shameless ham, as I guess anyone who’s in the film industry would be. Plus, his eagle-eyed observations are keen and wry and fairly astute in an oh so twisted way. He made the desperation to get medical services funny in a sick (Oops—pardon the pun) sort of way. And when he bends over in the showers, he’s right with us in seeing the danger in THAT unfortunate move (There’s a reason they shower with their pants on).
Speaking of showers; they’re not guaranteed. They can be taken only at a certain time during a certain day of the week, and it’s all iffy at best. You’d better hope you’ve been able to rinse some hastily scrubbed soap off before the water cuts off, or before you’re called back to your cell. Hygiene is a total luxury. A kettle for instant coffee or noodles in your cell? A boon from the gods!
Scattered throughout the book are grievances and totally acceptable complaints, but mostly it seems like Chris is advocating treatment for the mentally ill and the cessation of brutally long sentencing for minor drug offenses. But this is all relayed through the lens of whatever arguments happen to be going on Outside: Politicians being Tough on Crime and such. It all just means more dehumanization of our fellow man. Chris is the first to own up to the fact that the inmates have indeed committed crimes, some of them most foul, but over time, through getting to know these men, he’s discovered their basic humanity and decency. Even a criminal can be kind to you on your first day, steer you down the right path, give you bracing words during a hard time.
No, this isn’t a hard hitting look at how we’re each greater than our least admirable deed, say, like Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson. No, this is faaaaar toooo irreverent for that. But it did strike rather the same chord with me. Who are we as a society if we don’t educate our poorest, if we don’t treat our sickest, if we don’t offer the least among us even the smallest of opportunities?
We are a sick society indeed, if we can’t do that.
It’s just that A Bit of a Stretch, with all its humor, with its many audiobook asides and bonuses, makes the sick society… wellllll, kinda sorta funny too. Dunno if it makes me a bad person, maybe it’s just gallows humor, but?
Oh gosh how I chortled…!
As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.