Churchill's Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare: The Mavericks Who Plotted Hitler's Defeat
Written and Narrated By: Giles Milton
Length: 12 hrs and 38 mins
ZOUNDS!!!!!!
Sssshhhh! Audiobook opens… and…?
Pulse-POUnding music, sweeeeeping the Listener into 12 1/2 hours of glorious heart-stopping fun, keeping said Listener entertained and on the edge of the seat!
Young Joan Bright, looking for secretarial work in Fraught 1939 London, is told to be at a certain Underground station, wearing a pink carnation in a button hole. Ssssshhh yet again, all very hush hush!
She’s just looking for a job, and whenst in the interview, instead of: How many words can you type, she’s instead queried: If the Nazis catch you, do you think you’ll be able to withstand Torture? Needles stuck beneath fingernails?
Jeez!
No info on her duties, just come by tomorrow, and Oh! Don’t let that guy on the street corner who’s been waiting outside this nondescript building see you, you think you can manage that?
And so this young woman, game for anything, and who later dated Ian Fleming (And it was posited that she was one of three/four women he formed his James Bond’s Miss Moneypenny after… good cow!) took on a job of utmost importance as WWII crept forward. >PHEW< Now isn’t she glad she turned down that offer to teach English to the children of Rudolf Hess in Nazi Germany…?!
Then, dear friend, Churchill’s Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare scoots from one big bang onto another big(ger) bang onto yet aNOTHer big(ger!) bang, introducing us to the likes of much-venerated individuals (Until the war was over, that is…) such as Millis Jefferis (Explosion Nut Extraordinaire) and Colin Gubbins (Who crafted terrifically successful sabotage units that came from, and worked throughout, the entire world, causing mischief, headaches, delays, outright MAYHEM like crazy for the Nazis and esPECially Hitler).
Keeping ears low to the ground, eyes wide open, such men discovered nutjobs from all over the place, men who could imagine—and create!—some of the most LETHAL devices hitherto unknown to the modern world. A man who worked on palatial caravans also figured out a way to stick bombs to naval warships with magnets, and special detonators (The key to the detonator? After watching his kids slurp and suck on their candy, he realized that the candy dissolved in juuuuuust the right amount of time for the saboteur to stick and swim, quick quick quickly away! Genius, inspired by his eNORmous brood o’ children… and good luck to his soon-to-be single-parent wife as he zips away to join the military effort!). Oh and those newly-dubbed Limpet Mines? Well, all the condoms in the county had to be bought straight up as waterproof casing, thereby casting aspersions on his character, SUREly a Dirty Old Man!
He’s but one of MANY utterly outRAGEous individuals with the supreme knack of Destruction with Big BOOOOOMS! But it’s Jefferis who’s the driver of the new organization, using his keen mathematical skills to fine-hone the precision of the explosives for proper use. He gets a faraway look on his face, he paces, he mutters, he scowls, and soon? Well, when a guffaw and a cackle are heard, everyone knows that Jefferis has struck upon a new and outlandish way to cause havoc!
And there’s nothing Jefferis and Gubbins love more than to cause havoc. Gubbins, on his end, writes THE book on sabotage (And Joan Bright thoughtfully thinks to make the books small and printed on edible paper should an agent have to get rid of this evidence, like, posthaste! Good ol’ Joan!). He plans just how many men (And soon, even women later in the war) are just the right amount, not too many, to move quickly and effectively. Then he sets up a camp in his homeland of Scotland for a secret school, run by two calm and smooth, uhm, MADMEN who teach like crazy just HOW to Kill Quietly (Always hit first, remember the plethora of body parts that can be viciously attacked to take a foe down, be ready to die). I think these two generally affable guys were my favorites, slashed and scarred, quick and agile, always ready with a proud-as-a-papa mighty HUZZAH for any young recruit who managed to get in and score a direct hit against them.
But it was Millis Jefferis who truly blew m’ mind away with his technical prowess, his amazing mathematical mind. Who else could envision a range of missiles flying into the air, then descending in a row, then penetrating water, then exploding only IF and WHEN they scored a direct hit on a freakin’ submarine for J. H. Cricket’s sake?! It’s truly a rousing moment when sailors, much unimpressed, are targeting the most formidable submarine led by a Japanese captain of great fame. They’ve been chasing, cat-and-mouse, the eNORmous sub, it’s kill or be killed, and they launch the missiles (Which came to be known as Hedgehogs), and wait, held breath and disbelieving that such airborne rockets can work… the missiles rise high, then plunge, then all wait some more.
Soon? Ka-boom. Ka-Boom. Ka-BOOM! KA-BOOOOOOM!!!!
It’s mighty HUZZAHS all around, and the Listener is left breathless, and delighted by such wonderful writing, such a delay of gratification. And speaking of Delayed Gratification?
No x1.2 listening speed here, desPITE the restless urgency I felt to Know What Comes Next? Noooo, author Giles Milton performs his own words, and the guy is just soooo excited by what he’s written, the complete thrill of the chase, the culmination of dreams enacted, the agony of so many defeats. His pacing is just tooo quick for any of us to jack up the speed of the text. And besides, it was just so danged enjoyable savoring each plot hatched, each method concocted, each desperate action taken. He had me at Joan scootin’ by the Spying Dude Outside, and he kept me glued to my phone when Gubbins plans the attack on the Norwegian heavy water plant (DesPITE having listened to The Winter Fortress already!). Milton is just sooo enthusiastic… and I don’t believe the man breathes in between sentences. NOT that I’m complaining…!
Nope, nothing, not one danged thing to complain about with this almighty wonder of an audiobook. P’raps only that, with Churchill winning the War but Losing the Peace, aaaaallll the works of Jefferis and Gubbins were dismantled, and they were relegated to status of overlooked and forgotten heroes, with Gubbins even later going on to work as a textile salesman before heading to America where he WAS honored, and his skills were made use of.
Wonderful, wonderful experience. And so glad that this audiobook brings to light such incredible tales of bravery and, well, just guys out to do damage and do it BIG. From crawling down vast canyons to stick plastic explosives on various supports (Big Bridge goes Ka-Blooooey!), to night jumping into enemy territory, to tucking cyanide capsules into their supplies should they need to off themselves if caught, to suicidal missions and shootouts after assassinating Reinhard Heydrich, just WOW. (And, unfortunately, all these followed by Nazi atrocities that were not taken in stride, but were acceptable given the Nazis were in the processing of murdering and exterminating the people of small (Or large!) villages/towns anyway. I seriously gasped and shuddered as the reprisals slaughtered innocents and towns were bombed off the map, and I was reminded of how ruthless the Nazi regime was.)
And so this glowing review ends on a somber note, but sorrow aside, do listen for ingenuity run amok, for men and women who worked 16-hour days and then blew off steam only to wake up, hit the Alka-Seltzer (Later to be utilized as ingredient for warfare!), and do it all over again, years on end. It was a different time, a MUCH different war, and say what you will about what an Imperialistic Maniac Churchill was…?
Well, it’s kinda AWEsome that he let his daughter blow things up with the Best of his Ungentlemanly Men!
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